How easy is it to find your Mommy-haven? A place where you feel that you can show up; hair undone, teeth semi brushed and a few screws missing from the last week without sleep.*Without feeling like a microscope is on top of you burning your untweezed eyebrow hairs in speculation or judgement*?
OooOOoOo- you're thinking, "OHhhhh nooooo" she di-dn't. I did. A huge huge motivator for starting The Magic Cocoon was that I wanted to spin a place in love. A place that Moms of all ages, creeds, and parental decision making could come and just be lovely. In my heart of hearts I truly believe that such a place isn't just conceptual-it's possible.
Recently in my own personal life I was made aware that even if a possibility, it may be harder to merge in the likes of just pure mommy togetherness. Because I truly-truly believe in the ability to make the choices people make when parenting,
hardly any of my business I had forgotten how different we can all be in our choices.
We visited a friend a few months ago*apparently the length since we've seen them was not just mere passing of time*, we had just moved to a new city and were surrounded by new faces. My daughters both 2 and then 11 months just let their little emotional flood gates open and let me know-(and the surrounding neighborhood) that they were afraid, that they needed me by them and I probably wasn't going to move an inch for a few hours. So I sat with them, legs alseep hair pulled an in their mouths instead of joining the other adults. This instance was brought to my attention in a way that would have never entered my mind had it not been directed.
"You hid upstairs because you didn't want to leave the girls...." To me, this made little to no sense. However to the person who addressed this an issue, my behavior was rude and unwanted. It reminded me about the first year of my daughter's life...then when I was trudging through the comments..and the misunderstandings-and at times offensive gestures.
An uphill battle it seemed-as if I were fighting the good fight-MAN! After the first year people around me finally "got it"-and just let me be.(for the most part or until I slapped them on the proverbial "it's not going to kill them to let them..."wrist) Within her second year I had found a group of women who's parenting ideals were very much like my own and I felt I had finally found a place to "be" as a mother.
Somewhere in there began this evolution-realizing that there had to be a way for a: attachment, breastfeeding,co-sleeping, homebirthing, FASHION HUNGRY, BEAUTY PRODUCT LOVING,night out on the town needing mother to exist even if only for her children; in all worlds, cultures and groups. *All without offending-anyone* Not only had I realized that I had offended a vast majority of my friends and family by being to overly impressive of our radical green lifestyle choices but I had gone way overboard on the purity train. Frizzy hair and hemp soled shoes...I began to catch glimpses of myself before this life path.
Well, you ask, "how's it going?". Well-I tell ya....I'm not sure. I quickly realized that even as evolved as I believed I was beginning to be, I still had a long way to go. In my letting go and allowing my daughter to eat an occasional slice of whole foods pizza, or a whole grain cupcake (with no icing) I honestly couldn't help but having an internal panic attack. When co-mingling with more conventional folks and my daughter diving in hands first to the M&M filled snack bowl and me dashing across the room in slow-mo screaming (in my head)....*i think...* "NooooOooooooooOoooo"....probably-not the cool cucumber I had envisioned myself to be.
So what then? The Cocoon hangs in some sort of mommy limbo, doesn't it? Can you feel it? I joke sometimes that The Magic Cocoon is the synthesis of my Mommy-Identity Crisis. Me thirsting for a "return to self" all while integrating these gorgeous, marvelous little creatures. Me believing that it can be done seamlessly and stylishly and not even a bump or hiccup along the way.
Wrong. I can't sell you a lie. I won't. I wouldn't dare. I would love for you to know that I am figuring it all out-conversation after conversation with close friends and my darling husband, in meditation and prayer...and good ol' fashioned parenting. I may take photos of my home or my spaces looking dashingly cheeky but then-I would be inclined to tell you that the day before there were smeared raisins and land mines of laundry sprawled all over the place. I want you to know that I am a human being just as you are and that I each day wonder where I am to "fit in" in this Mommy world.... wanting to surround all women and mothers with love, inspiration and judgement-less support.
So that's-that's what the Cocoon is for now....a place where I spin trying to find out how not to alienate myself or my children by being a bit different, and different only because it is our chosen path. Wanting to encourage women to live in their homes as they choose and feel in their hearts to be their path. Relaying that we do not wish to judge you for who you are or what you do-we just want to play :).
Our children are innocent in all of this politics and they all deserve to know one another and play without separation. Truly the only reason I exist is to make the lives of these girls everything they deserve and to share the world with them for ALL that is, and who are in it. *No matter of race, religion or lack there of. Breast or bottle, or both. Hospital or home, cheetos or carob bites.*
So I hope you all continue in this journey with me and share whatever you want to share and be whomever you NEED to be-Magically.
Spun in Love,
A
